dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
