do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
