U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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