No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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