Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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