Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
