You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
