Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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