if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
