I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
