Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
