It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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