Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
