Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
