my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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