In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize
