went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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