two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
