booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
