my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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