I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
