I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
