Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
