Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
