u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
