we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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