At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You were trust falling into bushes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
