You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
