ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
