True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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