just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
