Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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