Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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