Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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