if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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