I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
