quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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