Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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