We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
