i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
