Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
