The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
