My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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