I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
