Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
