Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
