I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
