I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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