jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Are we in a gay sports bar?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
