I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We got so high we made milksteak
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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