don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
