I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
